Metroville
Obama’s Speechwriters Let Me Down

This awful human being’s speechwriters are just good enough to compel me to resubscribe to our disappointing president’s email list.

Sekund Ammenamamint iz AWSUM

U think peepel shouldna hav guns?  U shouldna be a Merikun cuz CONSTATOOSHUN.

I think we should actually take a long look at the Second Amendment with regard to the wide disparity between 1791 technology and that of the present day.

BEST PREZIDUNT EVER GEORGE DUBBEYA BUSH DINNA HAVE NO QUEER HISTRY LEARNIN AND HE GOT A LIBARY.

You’re kind of making my point with your astonishing grammatical errors—

[BLAM BLAM BLAM!  Italics-guy is shot to death…just like this guy.]

BP v. Halliburton?

This is like Cobra Kai v. Cobra!

Y’know who’ll probably end up taking the hit, though?  Kobra Khan.

"But, Metroville—that’s too vague a reference and it will likely go unnoticed!"

Bingo.

Cynistrated Illicism

"I enjoy sports and I enjoy words"…

Would be how I’d open this piece; guys like Rick Reilly would spend two books about golf and fifteen paragraphs about his dad (with a three-course Mitch Albom primer) before getting to the point:

"But there are so many words available to write about things other than sports"…

Is what the aforementioned ilk would never write because that would compel them to admit that they’d prefer to have been better at sports (in their youth) than they were at words.

THERE ARE ONLY SO MANY GODDAMN THINGS TO SAY ABOUT A SITUATION WHEREIN ONE TEAM/INDIVIDUAL INTENDS TO SCORE MORE POINTS THAN DOES ANOTHER TEAM/INDIVIDUAL.  That’s it!  That’s all!

I love sports (particularly professional sports); as a spectator, I revel in the milkshake of perceived birth-ties and pointlessness and I will make every effort to compel my 20-month-old child to my corner of team(s)-specific stupidity…

But y’know what I won’t do?  Act like that’s all there is (nor will I end a sentence on a passive verb)…just because sports is what I want to be close to (previous parenthetical applies to prepositions).

I have been a Sports Illustrated subscriber since I was younger than ten.  I am cancelling my subscription because of the two latest issues:

This one—

and this one—

(…which, mind you, were published back-to-back in that order).

Sigh.

Hey—you guys check out Deadspin's Drew Margarine’s latest piece in that magazine for good-smelling full-body-waxers?

(Guy went after Paul Reiser and didn’t think twice…fuckin’ balls on him.)

"Oh, no…?”
[crowd goes bananas]

"Oh, no…?

[crowd goes bananas]

Rats! (Rats?)

Here’s ‘The Scoop’:

"…[The Oscars are] still a show that’s meant to represent the best that the film industry has to offer."

Roll that back, Courtney Hazlett.  In your “bold” [quotation marks indicate sarcasm] refutation of would-have-been Oscar-telecast-producer Brett Ratner’s idiotic, bigoted remarks, you not-so-boldly spit-polish the ceremony that in 2006 bestowed its ultimate award not to the excellent movie about two same-sex cowboy lovers but instead to the cartoonish depiction of racism that might’ve meant something in like the 1860s as “meant to represent the best”?

(And don’t even get me started on the Munich rub.  How f-ing good is Munich?  Several jet-skis better than Crash, I can tell you that much.)

No one’s hands are clean, here…lady who makes her income writing something called ‘The Scoop’.

Be Vewy, Vewy Quiet, ‘Paranormal Activity 3’ Fans…

BOO!

How much did that cost you—  Nothing?

How much did you and/or your family and/or your friends spend to see 'Paranormal Activity 3' this—

WAIT.  WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?

Bam—did it again.  You owe everyone who does not directly profit from the motion-picture industry in America between 7 and 26 dollars.

Post-Alive Reagan vs. Post-Alive Gadhafi - FIGHT!

RONALD REAGAN (lands first punch; roundhouse to face):  Told ya so.

MOAMMAR GADHAFI (squirrely, defensive body blows):  You died first and proved nothing!  Where are the virgins?

MAX HEADROOM:  L-l-let’s Ph-ph-Phil Collins handle th-th-this.

PHIL COLLINS:

Bridge & Tunnel

All Signs Point to Mexico

All Signs Point to Mexico