Metroville

Obama’s Speechwriters Let Me Down

Wed, 11 Jan 2012 02:11:42 -0500

This awful human being’s speechwriters are just good enough to compel me to resubscribe to our disappointing president’s email list.

Sekund Ammenamamint iz AWSUM

Tue, 13 Dec 2011 08:09:00 -0500

U think peepel shouldna hav guns? U shouldna be a Merikun cuz CONSTATOOSHUN.

I think we should actually take a long look at the Second Amendment with regard to the wide disparity between 1791 technology and that of the present day.

BEST PREZIDUNT EVER GEORGE DUBBEYA BUSH DINNA HAVE NO QUEER HISTRY LEARNIN AND HE GOT A LIBARY.

You’re kind of making my point with your astonishing grammatical errors—

[BLAM BLAM BLAM! Italics-guy is shot to death…just like this guy.]

BP v. Halliburton?

Tue, 06 Dec 2011 07:02:40 -0500

This is like Cobra Kai v. Cobra!

Y’know who’ll probably end up taking the hit, though? Kobra Khan.

“But, Metroville—that’s too vague a reference and it will likely go unnoticed!”

Bingo.

Cynistrated Illicism

Wed, 30 Nov 2011 03:17:53 -0500

“I enjoy sports and I enjoy words”…

Would be how I’d open this piece; guys like Rick Reilly would spend two books about golf and fifteen paragraphs about his dad (with a three-course Mitch Albom primer) before getting to the point:

“But there are so many words available to write about things other than sports”…

Is what the aforementioned ilk would never write because that would compel them to admit that they’d prefer to have been better at sports (in their youth) than they were at words.

THERE ARE ONLY SO MANY GODDAMN THINGS TO SAY ABOUT A SITUATION WHEREIN ONE TEAM/INDIVIDUAL INTENDS TO SCORE MORE POINTS THAN DOES ANOTHER TEAM/INDIVIDUAL. That’s it! That’s all!

I love sports (particularly professional sports); as a spectator, I revel in the milkshake of perceived birth-ties and pointlessness and I will make every effort to compel my 20-month-old child to my corner of team(s)-specific stupidity…

But y’know what I won’t do? Act like that’s all there is (nor will I end a sentence on a passive verb)…just because sports is what I want to be close to (previous parenthetical applies to prepositions).

I have been a Sports Illustrated subscriber since I was younger than ten. I am cancelling my subscription because of the two latest issues:

This one—

and this one—

(…which, mind you, were published back-to-back in that order).

Sigh.

Hey—you guys check out Deadspin’s Drew Margarine’s latest piece in that magazine for good-smelling full-body-waxers?

(Guy went after Paul Reiser and didn’t think twice…fuckin’ balls on him.)

“Oh, no…?” [crowd goes bananas]

Fri, 11 Nov 2011 04:02:40 -0500

“Oh, no…?”

[crowd goes bananas]

Rats! (Rats?)

Wed, 09 Nov 2011 04:42:00 -0500

Here’s ‘The Scoop’:

“…[The Oscars are] still a show that’s meant to represent the best that the film industry has to offer.”

Roll that back, Courtney Hazlett. In your “bold” [quotation marks indicate sarcasm] refutation of would-have-been Oscar-telecast-producer Brett Ratner’s idiotic, bigoted remarks, you not-so-boldly spit-polish the ceremony that in 2006 bestowed its ultimate award not to the excellent movie about two same-sex cowboy lovers but instead to the cartoonish depiction of racism that might’ve meant something in like the 1860s as “meant to represent the best”?

(And don’t even get me started on the Munich rub. How f-ing good is Munich? Several jet-skis better than Crash, I can tell you that much.)

No one’s hands are clean, here…lady who makes her income writing something called ‘The Scoop’.

Be Vewy, Vewy Quiet, 'Paranormal Activity 3' Fans...

Sat, 22 Oct 2011 02:56:41 -0400

BOO!

How much did that cost you— Nothing?

How much did you and/or your family and/or your friends spend to see ‘Paranormal Activity 3’ this—

WAIT. WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?

Bam—did it again. You owe everyone who does not directly profit from the motion-picture industry in America between 7 and 26 dollars.

Post-Alive Reagan vs. Post-Alive Gadhafi - FIGHT!

Fri, 21 Oct 2011 05:50:00 -0400

RONALD REAGAN (lands first punch; roundhouse to face): Told ya so.

MOAMMAR GADHAFI (squirrely, defensive body blows): You died first and proved nothing! Where are the virgins?

MAX HEADROOM: L-l-let’s Ph-ph-Phil Collins handle th-th-this.

PHIL COLLINS:

Bridge & Tunnel

Mon, 10 Oct 2011 04:39:18 -0400

Bridge & Tunnel

All Signs Point to Mexico

Sun, 09 Oct 2011 21:39:57 -0400

All Signs Point to Mexico

Afterlife Realm (10/05/11)

Thu, 06 Oct 2011 07:05:57 -0400

THOMAS EDISON: ‘Sup, Jobs.

STEVE JOBS: Are you Thomas Edison?

[Thomas Edison points above Steve’s head, where appears a cartoon image of a lightbulb. Steve nods, amused.]

BENJAMIN FRANKLIN [runs onto scene, refastening trousers]: Heard somebody died while I was banging nine French hookers. My Zune gets terrible reception here.

Good Morning

Tue, 04 Oct 2011 07:44:00 -0400

Now get with this thing.

I dig ‘Drive’ and I love irony but the fact that Tom...

Sun, 25 Sep 2011 10:24:00 -0400

I dig ‘Drive’ and I love irony but the fact that Tom Cochrane’s “Life Is a Highway” is on my iTunes playlist leaves me uncertain as to where to stand…

Nexplanation and Some Reflexions

Mon, 19 Sep 2011 03:25:41 -0400

I honestly didn’t give a crap about the Netflix price-hike back in July; I’m an American: math hurts my face and everything’s automated anyway.

Only now am I paying attention because of this pathetic email I received from Netflix, a cringeworthingly-transparent response to their stock drop:

“Qwikster?” Jesus on a plate, Reed Hastings—you make me long for Blockbuster Video.

Hey, 20th Century Fox

Tue, 13 Sep 2011 03:28:28 -0400

You kept quiet while Universal successfully ripped off, then tanked at ripping off, and then wildly succeeded at ripping off Point Break…

Are you honest-to-bananas going to remain silent while Warner Bros. calls dibs on a “reboot”?

I find the motion picture industry to be confusing.

No one remembers anything…

Sun, 11 Sep 2011 09:14:48 -0400

No one remembers anything…

Is There Such a Thing as a Font-Sequel?

Wed, 24 Aug 2011 06:50:33 -0400

Bean Dangerously

Fri, 05 Aug 2011 11:14:00 -0400

Low on my list of “badass celebrities who would own a MacLaren F1 supercar and crash it while driving 230 miles an hour (!) and walk away from that accident” was Rowan Atkinson.

Shows how much I know.

I’ll await word that the entire cast of Fawlty Towers was a deep cover black-ops MI6 team all along.

Focus Up, First U.S. President of This Century to Correctly Pronounce "Library"

Thu, 30 Jun 2011 11:58:00 -0400

I am a registered Independent; I have been since I was first old enough to vote. I had never donated money to any presidential campaign until Barack Obama came along. Not being a Professor of History, I cannot say that I was motivated to do so by the colossal two-term failure of George W. Bush with any more confidence than I would say that Saddam Hussein was not responsible for the terrorist attacks on the United States that occurred on September 11, 2001—

Oh, wait, I can say both of those things.

So what the crap, Mr. President?

A raffle? You’ve got no opposition from within your own sports team (that’s how we hipster Independents identify the party system) while the opposing side is presenting idiot-lunatic after Sauceless-Pizza-the-Hut after idiot-lunatic after Auto-Flip-Haircut—NONE OF WHOM WERE PRESIDING OVER THE FREE WORLD WHEN AMERICA KILLED THAT ONE GUY WHO HAD SLIPPED PAST SO-CALLED “PRESIDENT” DERK-DUCK TO MURDER THOUSANDS OF INNOCENT CIVILIANS AND THEN STAYED ALIVE FOR THE FOR THE DURATION OF CARLOS MENCIA’S TWO TERMS…and your current strategy to win a second term is the equivalent of a scratch-ticket?

We're Here! We're Queer! I Can't Believe I Committed to Spending the Rest of My Life with This Person Who Keeps Accidentally De-Programming the TV Remote!

Sat, 25 Jun 2011 02:06:00 -0400

Welcome to the fold, New York homosexuals.